Walking a Tightrope (that might break from under me)
by Themisto's-Heart
Summary: Dwalin is in love with Dis, who is happily married and has no eyes for him. So instead he turns to Thorin. Inspired by a prompt over at the Hobbit-Kinkmeme. Mostly pre-movie, slight language.


SUMMARY: Dwalin is in love with Dis, who is happily married and has no eyes for him. So instead he turns to Thorin. Inspired by a prompt over at the Hobbit-Kinkmeme. Mostly pre-movie, slight language.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Nothing's mine, just playing. Beware. English is not my first language, but I hope the story is readable.

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**Walking a Tightrope (that might break from under me)**

1.

Dwalin grabbed a fistful of long dark hair. He leaned forward for a desperate kiss and pulled the body in front of him closer. If he kept his eyes closed he could almost believe… No. It just didn't work. Thorin was too tall. His beard was too coarse. His body wasn't soft enough and his moans were too deep. At first glance Thorin and Dis looked very similar. They shared the same coloring and bone-structure, but the closer Dwalin regarded him, the more differences became apparent. He swallowed his disappointment with difficulty. Maybe his plan wasn't such a good idea after all. As much as he loved Dis, he knew she would always be unattainable for him. She was the one and only for him, but she was a married woman and expecting her first child. And it was very obvious how much she loved the lucky bastard that had managed to court her. Dwalin couldn't destroy this for her. He would never hurt her and so he had resigned himself to silent suffering. But if he couldn't have her, maybe he could have her brother. Thorin wasn't Dis's twin, but he resembled her closely enough. And he seemed willing enough. Dwalin threw caution in the wind and initiated another frantic kiss.

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2.

Dwalin rolled on his back and stared sightlessly at the ceiling. Thorin beside him sighed contently and curled into Dwalin's side, whose post orgasmic bliss was rapidly fading. He enjoyed the sex with Thorin, but he still wished Dis was at his side instead. A few months ago her husband had died in a mining-accident. Dis's grief had been terrible to behold and Dwalin's heart had bled for her, but at the same time his hopes had rekindled only to be crushed entirely shortly afterwards. Dis had told Thorin that she didn't plan on remarrying. She had loved once and would never love again. Dwalin knew that his chances had always been slim, but nonetheless he felt depressed again. So he had focused more and more on Thorin and they spent practically every night together. Dwalin needed someone to distract him from his despair and Thorin was better than nothing.

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3.

"What's wrong with you today, Dwal?"

Thorin was resting next to him and lazily drawing circles on his chest. Dwalin gritted his teeth and fought down a flare of annoyance. Lately Thorin always insisted on talking with him in bed about their day and other uninteresting stuff. Dwalin couldn't outright deny his friend, but he still seethed silently. This empty talking took away from his fantasies and he'd never be able to tell Thorin his real thoughts anyway. So he just shrugged his shoulders and mumbled, "Nothing's wrong. Just tired."

Thorin was regarding him suspiciously, but he thankfully dropped this thread of their conversation. He sighed instead and mumbled softly, "There is something that I wanted to tell you for quite some time." Dwalin suppressed the urge to roll his eyes and made an inquisitive sound instead. Thorin continued, "I… I love you."

Dwalin felt thunderstruck. He was glad that Thorin's bedroom was dark, because he was sure that his expression was not happy. He didn't know what to do, so he just leaned over and kissed Thorin, who accepted his reaction without further comment. Dwalin closed his eyes and fought with his rising dread. It sounded idiotic, but until now he had never actually considered how Thorin felt about them. For him their encounters were only about sex, there were no deeper feelings, so he had automatically assumed that they were on the same page. Of course he liked Thorin; they were friends since their childhood after all. Thorin was his king and he would gladly die for him, but he didn't love him. He loved Dis with her gentle eyes and her sweet smile. Thorin was only a pale shadow of her. And now Thorin told him that _he_ was in love. Dwalin knew that he had to end their affair now. He owed Thorin at least this.

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4.

Dwalin groaned deeply. He had pinned Thorin under him on the bed and he was close already. He knew that he was doing the wrong thing again, but he didn't care. He was too drunk to care. Another frustrating day of watching his beloved from a distance had culminated in a night of hard drinking in the tavern. After he had left for home, he spontaneously had decided to visit Thorin. And now here they were in bed again. Dwalin groaned again and he buried his face in Thorin's neck. His eyes fluttered close as his orgasm rushed through him and he whispered, "Dis…"

He felt utterly spent and sleepiness was tugging at him. Dwalin rolled off the body under him. Minutes later he was fast asleep.

Dwalin slowly blinked his eyes open. His vision was bleary and his head throbbed viciously. For a moment he couldn't remember how he had gotten into this state, but then his memories returned. He had been drinking. He had wandered home. He'd had the idiotic idea of visiting Thorin. They'd had sex again. And then… Dwalin shot upright. His aching head was forgotten as he remembered what he had done. He had called Thorin _Dis_ during sex. Dwalin frantically looked around him. He was in Thorin's bedroom, but there was no sign of his friend. Guilt and dread were nearly choking him and he hastily dressed himself. He needed to talk with Thorin.

Dwalin knew exactly where he would find Thorin. Every time his friend was upset he holed up in the smithy and worked there until he was exhausted. And surely enough he could hear the rhythmic banging of Thorin's hammer in the still morning air. Dwalin hesitated at the entrance to the forge. Suddenly he had no idea how he should talk to Thorin. What he should tell the other man. His possible explanations sounded hollow to his own ears and surely wouldn't satisfy Thorin. Now he deeply regretted their affair. Why hadn't he been stronger?

Dwalin straightened himself and entered the forge. Thorin was standing with his back to the entrance and even though he must have heard Dwalin he didn't turn. The silence between them was oppressive and only broken by the sound of the hammer. Dwalin shifted nervously on his feet. He finally ventured, "I think we need to talk, Thorin."

"I don't think so."

Thorin's deep voice sounded flat and wholly devoid of any emotion. A part of Dwalin wanted to take this statement at face value and simply flee. But he couldn't. Thorin was one of his oldest friends and he had wronged him.

"Let me explain it, Thorin."

"I think I get the picture, thanks."

Dwalin frowned. Of course Thorin had every right to be furious, but he still had hoped that he would at least get the opportunity to offer some kind of explanation.

"Thorin…"

"I said I don't want to talk. Leave."

This time there was a clear dismissal in Thorin's voice. And some barely restrained anger had found its way into it as well.

"I am truly sorry, Thorin. I never meant to hurt you."

Thorin stopped his hammering and he turned. Raw anger was on his face, but what really hit Dwalin was the barely masked pain in his blue eyes. He growled, "I don't give a fuck that you are sorry. Get out of here and don't ever come back!"

Dwalin turned and left. He would try it again later. When Thorin had calmed down a bit he surely would listen to him. He had to listen to him. He could explain everything.

The sun was setting already and Dwalin still hadn't talked to Thorin. He couldn't find the other man. He had looked everywhere, but Thorin had seemingly disappeared. Dwalin finally visited Dis. Maybe she knew where her brother was hiding. He knocked on her door and patiently waited for her to answer it. The moment he saw her warmth spread in his broad chest. She smiled her sweet smile at him and said, "Dwalin. What a nice surprise. Do you want to come in?"

He nodded and followed her into the house. They sat together at the kitchen table and for a blissful moment Dwalin felt happy. They chatted for a few minutes about Dis's daily life and her boys. Dwalin eventually asked, "I'm looking for Thorin. Have you seen him?"

"Didn't he tell you? He left today. He is wandering again." Dwalin stared. Thorin had left? Dis continued, "Dwalin, did he tell you something? When he came here earlier, he was… I think something has happened. He looked so sad and desperate, but he wouldn't tell me what's bothering him."

Dwalin felt numb. His first impulse was to soothe Dis's fears, but he couldn't. He couldn't tell her what had transpired between him and Thorin. Suddenly it occurred to Dwalin that he had lost his best friend. Thorin would probably never forgive him for his deceit. He couldn't have Dis and now he had lost Thorin as well. What had he done?

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5.

Dwalin sat in front of the fire and tried to calm himself. Their day had been trying to say the least. First the goblins, then their mad escape, and to cap things off Azog had resurfaced. Dwalin had been deathly afraid. Not for himself, but for Thorin, whom he'd almost lost. His eyes wandered over his sleeping companions and fastened themselves on Thorin, who was resting rather uneasily. Dwalin wasn't surprised when Thorin got up after much tossing and turning and came over to the fire. He wordlessly took a seat beside Dwalin and stared sightlessly into the flames. Suddenly Thorin said, "Go to sleep, Dwalin. I'll take your watch."

"I'll keep you company if you don't mind."

Thorin shrugged and silence descended again. Dwalin suppressed a sigh. He and Thorin were mostly cordial with each other, but their formerly so strong friendship was still in ruins. They had never spoken about their disastrous affair and they had grown apart. Dwalin missed his best friend and he desperately wanted him back, but at the same time he respected Thorin's wish for distance. He had done enough damage already.

"You should tell her, you know."

Dwalin startled. "What?"

"You should tell Dis that you love her."

"Why? It would be pointless."

Thorin shook his head. "People change, Dwal. Dis has been alone for many years. And she always liked you a lot. Tell her."

"She likes me?"

Thorin nodded. "She does."

Dwalin could barely believe what he'd heard. Could he have an actual chance with Dis? It sounded almost too good to be true.

"Promise me that you'll talk to her after we've reclaimed Erebor."

Dwalin looked up and nodded slowly. "I promise."

"Good. You both deserve to be happy."

Dwalin winced. Yes, Dis deserved every shred of happiness, but he didn't. He'd done some heinous things in his life. If he only could set some of them right. If he only could set things between Thorin and himself right. He tentatively said, "Thorin, I can't tell you how sorry I am. I was a selfish bastard and I only thought about myself. I am so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I know I'm probably asking for too much, but do you think you can forgive me eventually? I miss you. I miss our friendship."

A sad smile appeared on Thorin's face and he said, "You know what? I miss you too." Dwalin desperately wished to erase the sorrow in his friend's eyes, but he didn't know how. Thorin continued, "And I forgive you."

A small but genuine smile found its way onto Dwalin's face. He vowed to himself to be from now on a better friend for Thorin. He would give his best.

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6.

Dwalin had silently watched over Dis for two days now. The whole time she had been sitting motionless in front of Thorin's, Kili's, and Fili's graves. He had expected wailing, cursing, crying, screaming, but instead she had been completely silent. She seemed frozen in her grief and Dwalin could understand this feeling. He had failed them. He had failed his king. He had failed his friend. He wanted to scream his pain and self-recrimination to the skies, but he too couldn't utter a sound.

Dwalin thought back to the night he and Thorin had revived their friendship. He thought back to Thorin's words and the promise he had given. He slowly made his way over to Dis. She didn't acknowledge his presence, she fixedly stared ahead. Dwalin sat beside her on the cold stone floor. This was neither the time nor the place for words so he just took her hand. When she squeezed his fingers faint hope bloomed in Dwalin's chest.

FIN.


End file.
